Marriage Therapy in Fayetteville, Bella Vista & Ft.Smith

As we start the new years many people have resolutions made to start the year new and they want to improve or change their relationships and marriage.  You don’t have to struggle with the same old marriage or partnership you can create something new with the important person in your life.  Going to  licensed Marriage and Family Therapists can be a good start to the new year or to a new marriage.

I have flexible hours including marital therapy on week ends in offices  in Fayetteville,  Bella Vista, and Ft, Smith.  Don’t give up those new years resolutions just yet.  My  sliding scale fee makes it more affordable. Look forward to serving your unique needs

Use it or Lose it, your best self as you age.

Getting older sometimes sneaks up on you and suddenly there you are and in part one needs to be very thankful for making it  as  far as you are in your journey in life, but some how doing what we used to do gets that much harder for some over fifty.

Some things one can do to enhance your bet self both mentally and physically is to keep your energy flowing and moving.  Keeping moving in one way or another can reduce the process of what we know or call  “aging” in both body and mind.

Increasing your movement increases your stamina and confidence in your ability to take care of yourself thus increasing your freedom.  Improving your balance through repetitive motions that many sport, dance, or yoga offer helps with right left /brain hemisphere balancing to reduce stress and it will also help you be more flexible as well as keeping your metabolism active.

The idea is movement helps keep your body’s internal functioning moving better and keeps your mind and memory sharper.  Movement can help prevent falls, accidents, improve digestion, improve sleep, it reduces the chance of cancer and high blood pressure and may prevent stiffness and many aches and pains that seem to sneak up on us.  Over all the idea of keeping your body in the movement to  feel better is not new,  nor is it  ever too late to start moving.  .

A good reminder to motivate your self can be to remember one of Newton’s law of physics,….

“A  body in motion stays in motion.”

Kindness (Poem by Naomi Shihab Nye, 1952)

 

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

It is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

 

-Picture credits:

Westwind Studios
Hand Crafted Web Design
http://westwindstudios.net

 

Having trouble asking for help?

Wow that was an unexpected surprise!

So are you having trouble asking for help? Yup, there you are, and yes every is thing is just fine and thank you for asking.  You have it completely under control and in fact its not going to change any time soon, with out you reaching out and asking for help.

So how long to wait is the question? Days, months, years? Many people wait in anger or in silence till its sometimes too late, they end up loosing their job, relationship, opportunities, or their health.  Sometimes they wait till later in life to make changes when they could have made many years earlier.

So why is it so hard saying, I need help or I need support?   Or life threw me a real curve ball and I am having trouble adjusting?  Getting a new perspective or adding a few new tools or maybe just being listened to and sharing the story and understand it a different or new way?

That last bump in the road was a tough one and there you are, and it’s ok to ask for help to get back on your feet by going to counseling.  It is not a sign of weakness, but of strength to know when to ask for help.

Road is long ….you are moving right along, back on your feet now, carry on!!

 

Attachment styles and your relationship?

Attachment styles and your relationships?  What is your attachment style in your relationship?

John Bowlby (British) and later Mary Ainsworth (Canadian ) pioneering research in developmental psychology, known for their work in early work in attachment.  Ainsworth research in attachment styles explored how a mother’s (ie. caretakers) and infants bond to each other.   She described  3 types of attachment styles in infants. Secure, Ambivalent and Avoidant attachment style.  Suggesting that these early attachment styles are learned from our primary care giver)s) in our early years.  We internalize them as road maps  to then later repeat as adults in our adult relationships.

Secure attachment style is of course the most stable style, yet only about 50% of population is able to create a secure attachment style.   This can create less than stable relationships and over all difficulty in long term relationships or marriage, if we do not fall into a secure attachment style. Secure attachment It is  stable, honest, intimate and manifests as a willing commitment to the other and to the relationship in the long run, even in hard times.

New research shows that attachment styles are both environmental meaning they can be learned by modeling and some speculate, some part might be inherent to us when we are born, as well. Also attachment styles  are now considered more fluid than before, where they were considered unable to change.  The new research shows that  if  some one can model a secure attachment style in a relationship or marriage to an ambivalent or avoidant  that is anxiously attached,  this person might in four or more years have a chance at being  able to change their style to a more secure attachment style.  How ever this is not a given and there are many other factors.

Ambivalent or Anxious attachments manifest with an inherent need to get a lot of affection and attentions, sometimes it never seems to be sufficient.  They are often insecure about  themselves and need a lot of affirmation form others.  They have a fear that their partner will some how  or abandon them, because they are not worthy  or they have a fear that their partner will cheat on them.  Worry seems to over ride trust, and they seem to pursue the other more.  They are usually uncomfortable alone and seek to be in a relationship at all costs even if it is not a healthy relationship.  Sometimes anxious attachment can manifest as a high need for control, or neediness vacillating with anger if unable to get needs met..  Having said that, all manifestations of control attempts of one partner over the other are not always just anxious attachment issues.

An Avoidantly attached person will feel suffocated with real intimacy or too much closeness and have the need for alot of alone time, a high need for privacy and possibly even stray to have other relationships.  They might find a securely attached person too regular and too boring.  Avoidantly attached individuals, like change and excitement they are not very emotionally vested in a relationship, and will be quick to end and restart another relationship without too much time in between.  Their focus is more on themselves and their work. They will be less interested in sharing intimate feelings/ Avoidant often will often leave their relationships when times get  difficult and they feel stressed.  Avoidant  have difficulty establishing a sense of “we” identity.

Newer research from Mary Main now points to fourth attachment style, the Disorganized Attachment style. This is created when the parent has unresolved abuse, trauma or loss, and disorientates the child growing up.  Parents are frightening or frightened and struggle with emotional regulation, the world is an unsafe place.  Disorganized attachment style is full of mixed messages, creating a very unstable environment for the child and later in adult their relationships. Often manifesting as a difficulty in managing stress and self regulation, poor social skills and trust issues.  The adult them will have difficulty with later parenting or in relationships over all.  People with disorganized attachment styles are less likely to feel they need help or to seek help. These styles can be explored in therapy as to how they impact the couple or the individual.

Once you are able to better make sense of what attachment style you developed as a child and how this map is still guiding your life today,  you will be able to gain insight and learn new skills.  Most people can learn to develop  a secure attachment style with time  and therapy or  a securely attached partner.   This information might be useful to know about yourself and your loved one when dating or when looking for a life partner.

 

ONE BODY TWO BRAINS? YOUR GUT INSTINCT?

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/gut-second-brain/

Surprising article in Scientific American Journal that explores the mind body connection. Scientists are now discovering that  people’s “gut instinct”  or “butterflies” are connected with mind and emotions through our body.  This gut instinct or some call it intuition, can process information much faster than our rational mind and it is usually accurate.

This other gut brain “second brain” is composed of many neurons in your intestinal tract and is connected with the brain in your head. The article points out that  it is the seat of your unconscious thought.  It can alert you very quickly to  danger, suspicion, excitement.

People  often say,” I just knew it in my gut”  that is because this second brain contains 100 million neurons,  give or take a few. That is more than in either the spinal cord or the peripheral nervous system.  The second brain can control gut behavior independently of the brain in our head, and it is very connected with our emotions and with our physical illness or health.

More research is needed in the future but preliminary research shows that maintaining a healthy gut contributes to good mental health and vise versa.  So notice your hunches and your gut feelings and be open to their influence, they can provide valuable information.

What is Sensate Focused Therapy and who can it help?

What is Sensate Focused Therapy and who can it help? Can I increase intimacy in my relationship?

Sensate Focused Therapy was introduced by the famous sex researchers Masters& Johnson, and it is a therapy often used by marriage and family therapists or sex therapists that are trained in this procedure to increase a couple’s ability to increase a couples feelings of intimacy, sense of safety and non verbal communication. It starts with increasing one’s own sense of self awareness through intentional touching and observations and eventually after some sessions (usually 6-10) the work will lead to more intimacy, unity, and better sense of  harmony between a couple.  It is a fairly simple and most couples find the practice enjoyable to do. The practice is done at home in private with your partner.  Each couple has unique needs that are taken into account and other interventions might be suggested as the work progresses.

This type of work is great to rekindle and reconnect intimacy in a couple, even for those who for whatever reason feel like “sex” might not be an option for them anymore.  Please call me if you have any questions about Sensate Focused Therapy or if you feel like your couple could benefit from increasing your sensual and intimate connection. I would be happy to talk further and see if it might be beneficial for your couple.

Insurance, Couples Counseling & the Affordable Care Act

Insurance, Couples Counseling & the Affordable Care Act

There was a time where insurance companies and your employer knew a lot less about what you did in your health provider’s office.  Now with the Affordance Care Act more and more people will get insurance and more mental health services are being covered.  Sometimes couples counseling is covered as such, sometimes one of the people in the couples session must be the “identified patient” for insurance billing purposes. Many clients do not know this.  If you use your insurance to covers your mental health services one of you probably will get a diagnostic code in order for you or the mental health care provider to be able to get reimbursement from the insurance company. No diagnosis code, no reimbursement. You may or may not be told or know what your diagnosis that you are being billed for.

Depending on the diagnostic code that might determine how many sessions you will be allowed, sometimes it can vary depending on your needs. Often time’s insurance company or employer will need an update as to your progress on your diagnosis, in order to determine if more sessions will be given.  All this information about you and your diagnosis is given to the insurance company and sometimes as to your employer.

In the past health care information would be kept for five or seven years.  In the paper days, this information would be kept by your health care provider, perhaps shared if referrals were made and then later destroyed. These days it is being most likely stored in the cloud for ever. This information will follow you along with the rest of your medical records, probably for life.  This should  clearly be explained to you.

This is one reason why many people still prefer to keep their mental health care outside of the insurance providers reach.  Having to meet insurance deductibles, having a high co pay and needing an “identified patient” for diagnosis makes using insurance less than appealing for some people.

A more attractive alternative model for many is to have an affordable, non diagnosis model as far as their mental health care. Many people thus prefer to keep their mental health information out of their employers or insurance company’s hands by not using their health insurance.

Remember that if you do use your insurance, be sure to inquire about the following contract details to make a better informed decision as a consumer as to which choice is best for you:

  • Is outpatient mental health covered? Is Couple’s counseling specifically covered? Or only individual?
  • Any preauthorization requirements before you begin?
  • What is your co-pay?
  • Is there a deductible that must be met yearly, before benefits will begin? What is it?
  • What credentials are required of the therapist? There are many types of mental health credentials; will my particular therapists be covered?
  • Will it be in either in network or out of network?
  • How many visits will be given per year?

Ask your therapists to explain your diagnostic code that they are using for insurance billing purposes, it could be one or several codes.  If you have any questions or need clarification ask.  It is important to be fully informed and protect your confidentiality. You have a right to know and make an informed decision.

 

 

Question? Can emotional issues affect your physical health?

kalidescope masked ballIt is interesting how we tend to compartmentalize our physical health as separate from our emotional health like it is in two different compartments, or locations. More and more research points to their connectedness. Stress for example seems to increase our inflammation response in our body as well as create muscles tenseness, shut down our immune system and create over all tightness in our body. We get a problem i.e. a “stressor” in our day and then our bodies automatically and often without us noticing respond with an increase in our protective mechanism that is also called the “fight or flight” response. This response is natural and helpful for survival but it was intended for short quick energy bursts to correct our possibly dangerous situation thus shutting down many of our other autonomous body requirements.

In our modern world often times the “stressors” are not easily resolved and we get stuck in this hyper arousal state without being aware of it. After some time, it may become our default state and it leads to exhaustion. Some of the more common symptoms of stress include headaches, skin problems, “tightness”, intestinal issues, and changes in sleep or appetite. I often explore with my clients many aspects of the person’s life that are impacting them. Sometimes making changes in one seemingly completely unrelated area can create more balance and reduce our reactions to our “stressors”. Becoming more mindful of your stress, instead of ignoring it is a big first step.

Carmen’s Blog

CarmenThank you for stopping by and welcome to my blog. I hope to share useful information and experiences with you here.