Not all counseling visits are to work on problems, sometimes they are just to make a good relationship better? What a great way to celebrate Valentines Day than with a counseling for your couple to celebrate and reconnect in your commitment. Why is it that we shower our loved one with unconditional love, sweet words, acts of affection and gifts only once a year? Make every day Valentines Day!!
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
-Picture credits:
Westwind Studios
Hand Crafted Web Design
http://westwindstudios.net
Attachment styles and your relationships? What is your attachment style in your relationship?
John Bowlby (British) and later Mary Ainsworth (Canadian ) pioneering research in developmental psychology, known for their work in early work in attachment. Ainsworth research in attachment styles explored how a mother’s (ie. caretakers) and infants bond to each other. She described 3 types of attachment styles in infants. Secure, Ambivalent and Avoidant attachment style. Suggesting that these early attachment styles are learned from our primary care giver)s) in our early years. We internalize them as road maps to then later repeat as adults in our adult relationships.
Secure attachment style is of course the most stable style, yet only about 50% of population is able to create a secure attachment style. This can create less than stable relationships and over all difficulty in long term relationships or marriage, if we do not fall into a secure attachment style. Secure attachment It is stable, honest, intimate and manifests as a willing commitment to the other and to the relationship in the long run, even in hard times.
New research shows that attachment styles are both environmental meaning they can be learned by modeling and some speculate, some part might be inherent to us when we are born, as well. Also attachment styles are now considered more fluid than before, where they were considered unable to change. The new research shows that if some one can model a secure attachment style in a relationship or marriage to an ambivalent or avoidant that is anxiously attached, this person might in four or more years have a chance at being able to change their style to a more secure attachment style. How ever this is not a given and there are many other factors.
Ambivalent or Anxious attachments manifest with an inherent need to get a lot of affection and attentions, sometimes it never seems to be sufficient. They are often insecure about themselves and need a lot of affirmation form others. They have a fear that their partner will some how or abandon them, because they are not worthy or they have a fear that their partner will cheat on them. Worry seems to over ride trust, and they seem to pursue the other more. They are usually uncomfortable alone and seek to be in a relationship at all costs even if it is not a healthy relationship. Sometimes anxious attachment can manifest as a high need for control, or neediness vacillating with anger if unable to get needs met.. Having said that, all manifestations of control attempts of one partner over the other are not always just anxious attachment issues.
An Avoidantly attached person will feel suffocated with real intimacy or too much closeness and have the need for alot of alone time, a high need for privacy and possibly even stray to have other relationships. They might find a securely attached person too regular and too boring. Avoidantly attached individuals, like change and excitement they are not very emotionally vested in a relationship, and will be quick to end and restart another relationship without too much time in between. Their focus is more on themselves and their work. They will be less interested in sharing intimate feelings/ Avoidant often will often leave their relationships when times get difficult and they feel stressed. Avoidant have difficulty establishing a sense of “we” identity.
Newer research from Mary Main now points to fourth attachment style, the Disorganized Attachment style. This is created when the parent has unresolved abuse, trauma or loss, and disorientates the child growing up. Parents are frightening or frightened and struggle with emotional regulation, the world is an unsafe place. Disorganized attachment style is full of mixed messages, creating a very unstable environment for the child and later in adult their relationships. Often manifesting as a difficulty in managing stress and self regulation, poor social skills and trust issues. The adult them will have difficulty with later parenting or in relationships over all. People with disorganized attachment styles are less likely to feel they need help or to seek help. These styles can be explored in therapy as to how they impact the couple or the individual.
Once you are able to better make sense of what attachment style you developed as a child and how this map is still guiding your life today, you will be able to gain insight and learn new skills. Most people can learn to develop a secure attachment style with time and therapy or a securely attached partner. This information might be useful to know about yourself and your loved one when dating or when looking for a life partner.
Thank you for stopping by and welcome to my blog. I hope to share useful information and experiences with you here.
Deciding to participate in counseling is a journey of self discovery and a sign of courage for an individual or a couple. In couple’s therapy it is often getting to know what works for your “WE” in a safe supported environment as well as for both of you.
A feelings of getting stuck sometimes in a marriage, relationship, career, or even in defining who we are as whole person is part of our human experience as people. Emotions are not to be ignored or suppressed; they are your intuitive messengers and should be examined, verified and honored to create a more authentic fulfilling life. One can struggle with feelings of depression, anxiety, anger, and fears that all may be legitimate. Emotions are powerful and have energy to creatively transform, expand and encompass new perspectives, new thoughts and behaviors. Do you know how listen to your emotions with more clarity and compassion? Finding your life’s goals and finding your own voice can be important both for you individually, as well as for your couples success.