Category Archives: Dating

Every Day is Valentine’s Day

Isn’t it interesting how so many new relationships are made around Valentines Day?  When  this day of love and romance  comes up, that pending questions will we be celebrating it together with this new person in our life comes up? Does this relationship mean the same to each of us?  That thrill or surprise to know that some one is interested in you and you in them can feel great?  Valentines Day can often be a day of thrill and surprises, and for  other’s it can also be a day of closings and endings.

It is interesting to see how love can be in the air when we as a society and as an individual make  set our focus on paying attention and doting on another person by sharing our feelings of love in so many special ways.   Alternately if you have been in a long term relationship or marriage, could your relationship benefit with a little more intimacy or fun?

This month of Valentine’s  I am offering enrichment sessions for couples that feel they are doing well and are stable who might want to share and explore greater intimacy together as a part of their ongoing commitment.   Give the gift of an enrichment session a great unique Valentine’s  Day Gift. Please call and ask for an appointment at your convenience, Saturdays are available for sessions as well.

Make every day Valentine’s Day by focusing on the love that you have in your life, that many come in many forms and that we so often take for granted. Remind yourself every day to be thankful.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all.

If you wish to contact me, please call my office telephone 479-225-0055, & leave a message. Thanks

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10 Reasons Why Not to Get Married

10  REASONS WHY NOT TO GET MARRIED

  1. If you need to marry just to take the wedding ceremony and party off your “Bucket List”.
  2. If you need to marry as a right of passage to become or to prove you are an “adult”.
  3. If I need to escape current controlling or unhappy family situation.
  4. If you feel no one else will ever ask you to marry again.
  5. If all your friends are getting married and you do not want to be left out and slide into it.
  6. If your child custody will be affected and you feel obligated to marry to keep your custody rights.
  7. If you are escaping a troubled relationship or a prior marriage that you are still emotionally tied to and you believe it is unbearable to live alone.
  8. If you or your partner is drug or other addiction dependent and you are getting married in hopes of resolving that issue.
  9.  If you hope that marrying  will eliminate other major disagreements or value conflicts in your couple.
  10. If you hardly know each other and one of you is being deployed soon and feel the need to marry before deployment.

 

Valentine’s Day is Every Day

Not all counseling visits are to work on problems, sometimes they are just to make a good relationship better?  What a great way to celebrate Valentines Day than with a counseling for your couple to celebrate  and  reconnect in your commitment.  Why is it that we shower our loved one with unconditional love, sweet words, acts of affection and gifts only once a year?   Make every day Valentines Day!!

 

 

Marriage Therapy in Fayetteville, Bella Vista & Ft.Smith

As we start the new years many people have resolutions made to start the year new and they want to improve or change their relationships and marriage.  You don’t have to struggle with the same old marriage or partnership you can create something new with the important person in your life.  Going to  licensed Marriage and Family Therapists can be a good start to the new year or to a new marriage.

I have flexible hours including marital therapy on week ends in offices  in Fayetteville,  Bella Vista, and Ft, Smith.  Don’t give up those new years resolutions just yet.  My  sliding scale fee makes it more affordable. Look forward to serving your unique needs

Power of Images, A Picture says a 1,000 words

That is an often used phrase.  So why is that? How is it that an image can be so powerful? Because we use only about ten percent of our brain power to process data, and to analyze. The subconscious mind and the other parts of our brain operate using emotions, pictures, stories, metaphors and images and connects and processes information at a much faster speed.  Some times this manifests as an intuitive sense in our “gut feeling” or a swelling of particular emotions after seeing an image or seeing some one.  Often times we are not paying attention to all of the images that we are exposed to on a daily basis that end up in our mind.

This is the reason that they say our first impressions of some one is so strong and lasting, and it is often made quickly with little verbal information mostly through the use of non verbal cues and often stays with us. Start noticing your first impression messages that you hear when you first meet some one.

Thus the importance of images and symbols to represent groups, cultures, religions, etc.  The media and advertisers understand the power of the image or logos better than most, when they use images and logos as marketing tools to reach us in ways we often do not even notice.  Researchers are using MRI scans to explore which areas of the brain light up when we are shown different images, in hopes of being able to recreating this stimulating effect in certain part of the brain in order to excite and influence our purchase selections.  There are many images that have become recognized throught history, like the swastika and the peace sign,  some are specific to a generation and or an epoch, some span a longer time period or are even reused or rebranded to have different meanings in later generations

The picture of this woman and her child came to symbolize the great depression and the hopeless poverty and difficult life people  were leading, it summed it all up in a moments glance and will for many years.

The image below even though it looks natural, was a staged for the picture, it was meant to emote  the joy of post war celebrations of having troops back home after WW ll.  A classic picture that has become a symbol for many people of that generation. Looking at this picture instantly brings back a flood of emotions  at a specific  time and place, without having to think logically or analyze any information for people of that era.  Many future generations can understand the message as well.  Images and pictures bring back eras, feelings and memories quickly inside us.

What images and pictures are important for you?

Drawing, and creating them even if we do not think we are artistic is nurturing and healing for us.  Having important images or pictures around us that can give us inspiration, solace, or strength, and as reminders of staying mindful of our intentions, aspirations, and beliefs while staying in our present moment experience are helpful reminders.

Use the power of images to help you set goals for your self and to know what it is that is important in your life.  Maybe use them to say sorry in a different, special and unique way.  If you are dating or in a relationship using images can be a fast way to connect and communicate with some one,  how you are feeling.  Share your feelings with pictures, artwork, symbols to those important ones in your life and connect in a fun way that can be uniquely yours.

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Attachment styles and your relationship?

Attachment styles and your relationships?  What is your attachment style in your relationship?

John Bowlby (British) and later Mary Ainsworth (Canadian ) pioneering research in developmental psychology, known for their work in early work in attachment.  Ainsworth research in attachment styles explored how a mother’s (ie. caretakers) and infants bond to each other.   She described  3 types of attachment styles in infants. Secure, Ambivalent and Avoidant attachment style.  Suggesting that these early attachment styles are learned from our primary care giver)s) in our early years.  We internalize them as road maps  to then later repeat as adults in our adult relationships.

Secure attachment style is of course the most stable style, yet only about 50% of population is able to create a secure attachment style.   This can create less than stable relationships and over all difficulty in long term relationships or marriage, if we do not fall into a secure attachment style. Secure attachment It is  stable, honest, intimate and manifests as a willing commitment to the other and to the relationship in the long run, even in hard times.

New research shows that attachment styles are both environmental meaning they can be learned by modeling and some speculate, some part might be inherent to us when we are born, as well. Also attachment styles  are now considered more fluid than before, where they were considered unable to change.  The new research shows that  if  some one can model a secure attachment style in a relationship or marriage to an ambivalent or avoidant  that is anxiously attached,  this person might in four or more years have a chance at being  able to change their style to a more secure attachment style.  How ever this is not a given and there are many other factors.

Ambivalent or Anxious attachments manifest with an inherent need to get a lot of affection and attentions, sometimes it never seems to be sufficient.  They are often insecure about  themselves and need a lot of affirmation form others.  They have a fear that their partner will some how  or abandon them, because they are not worthy  or they have a fear that their partner will cheat on them.  Worry seems to over ride trust, and they seem to pursue the other more.  They are usually uncomfortable alone and seek to be in a relationship at all costs even if it is not a healthy relationship.  Sometimes anxious attachment can manifest as a high need for control, or neediness vacillating with anger if unable to get needs met..  Having said that, all manifestations of control attempts of one partner over the other are not always just anxious attachment issues.

An Avoidantly attached person will feel suffocated with real intimacy or too much closeness and have the need for alot of alone time, a high need for privacy and possibly even stray to have other relationships.  They might find a securely attached person too regular and too boring.  Avoidantly attached individuals, like change and excitement they are not very emotionally vested in a relationship, and will be quick to end and restart another relationship without too much time in between.  Their focus is more on themselves and their work. They will be less interested in sharing intimate feelings/ Avoidant often will often leave their relationships when times get  difficult and they feel stressed.  Avoidant  have difficulty establishing a sense of “we” identity.

Newer research from Mary Main now points to fourth attachment style, the Disorganized Attachment style. This is created when the parent has unresolved abuse, trauma or loss, and disorientates the child growing up.  Parents are frightening or frightened and struggle with emotional regulation, the world is an unsafe place.  Disorganized attachment style is full of mixed messages, creating a very unstable environment for the child and later in adult their relationships. Often manifesting as a difficulty in managing stress and self regulation, poor social skills and trust issues.  The adult them will have difficulty with later parenting or in relationships over all.  People with disorganized attachment styles are less likely to feel they need help or to seek help. These styles can be explored in therapy as to how they impact the couple or the individual.

Once you are able to better make sense of what attachment style you developed as a child and how this map is still guiding your life today,  you will be able to gain insight and learn new skills.  Most people can learn to develop  a secure attachment style with time  and therapy or  a securely attached partner.   This information might be useful to know about yourself and your loved one when dating or when looking for a life partner.

 

Carmen’s Blog

CarmenThank you for stopping by and welcome to my blog. I hope to share useful information and experiences with you here.